Understanding and Addressing Narcissistic Abuse: A Call to Awareness and Action
A message from a victim in recovery from narcissistic abuse. *Trigger warning: article includes mention of sexual assault and pedophilia.*
June 3, 2024
June 1 serves as World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.
Most average people have no idea what narcissistic abuse is, but I'm here to help educate as someone in recovery from it.
In my opinion, narcissistic abuse is the most sinister form of abuse since outside parties/individuals will often continue to enable the abuser's actions, leaving victims to question or deny their sense of reality and safety.
For victims, the experience of narcissistic abuse is a very isolating existence so much so we come out of its patterns with serious symptoms, like suicidal ideation and attempts and a range of debilitating depression and anxiety-related conditions.
Narcissistic abuse is unfair and cruel to the person on the receiving end. We escape it only to spend hours in therapy and other post-traumatic stress programs while the abusers continue to harm others. Yet, outside parties often question us, not the abusers, about the long-term consequences we endure from the actions of someone else.
In other words, perpetrators of narcissistic abuse should be medically treated for their actions and philosophies to quell the harm they present to innocent people. However, the inherent disposition of their personality disorder makes them believe they are above such healing modalities or resources.
Again, the nefarious nature of such a condition rears its head to gaslight those who question its existence and enduring damage.
The symptoms that perpetrators of narcissistic abuse present exist on a spectrum, with malignant narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy being the most damaging. These forms are the most destructive because the perpetrator derives pleasure and self-esteem from physically or emotionally harming others to the point where they do not feel empathy for their actions. A brain scan of a malignant narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath shows their brain's inability to process feelings of empathy or functional accountability, such as expressing forgiveness for their abusive actions.
For some people on the spectrum of pathological narcissism, public displays of shame are the only way to get them to feel any remote responsibility for their behavior. When presented with the facts in any other way privately, they will deny, attack, and reverse the blame to look like the victims instead. (Oh, and they make great cult leaders.)
Donald Trump, whom physicians have deemed a malignant narcissist — a condition only one step below sociopathy and psychopathy — has had his day in court many times. Still, this recent New York trial finally deemed him a criminal, as he is.
As someone who understands the condition of pathological narcissism well, I believe Trump's days will only get worse after this guilty verdict. People will stop following him or paying loyalty to him and his schemes. Because of this, he will likely become more rageful and accusatory toward others as he wrestles with feelings of shame and a loss in his ability to dominate and control his victims — that being us, the American people.
Truthfully, it has been personally challenging to watch Trump and his followers act as pathological narcissists — denying and obscuring reality to meet their own delusions and maladaptive needs while causing excruciating harm to others.
To me, Trump's guilty verdict in New York feels spiritual in this way, delivering some justice for narcissistic abuse victims like myself.
Not only that, Trump’s behavior and presence mimic the power dynamics existent in Christian spaces where conservative theology is the dominant belief system: all women are born second-rate and must answer to unchecked male leadership that serves as “the voice of God.”
Think of the leadership of Institute of Basic Life Principles founder Bill Gothard, who has a stack of sexual abuse cases mounting against him as a pedophile, or the Baltimore Catholic Archdiocese that continues to turn a blind eye to the mounting sexual assault allegations involving children and over 100 Catholic priests.
This is malignant narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy, and it happens because the conservative social dynamics mimic a closed system. In this environment, people are smothered and abused when they seek to question, dissent, or think for themselves, resulting in almost irreparable harm. Devotion or loyalty always reflects the motivations of the narcissistic leader, who sets the foundation for serious crimes to occur as the group and its conditions of belonging are intent on accepting whatever the narcissistic leader does or says as truth and reality.
Conversely, an open system welcomes and honors people of various backgrounds and unique identities, encouraging them to question, learn, and hold a path of love for the least of these. Its Church leadership looks like its congregants and includes women sitting alongside men, definitively and equally, in vital leadership positions. Its theology is more open-minded and, dare I say, progressive as it sees the Imago Dei or divine image-bearing nature within each of its members, including LGBTQIA folkx, immigrants, black congregants, and neurodivergent individuals. The organization learns the dark history, mourns for those affected, and takes considerate steps toward healing, repair, and renewal.
The open organization grows and changes together, not without members it ousted because they didn’t “fit the script” of its malignant narcissistic motivations.
When we seek to question leadership, especially of the malignant narcissistic type, we expose their machinations and deceit; we act out of love to protect those vulnerable individuals the malignant narcissistic leader intends to abuse, like women and children.
Remember when MAGA followers (who are almost always white Christian nationalist sympathizers) developed a conspiracy theory about celebrities and child sex trafficking?
Last year, I posed a few questions to a group of mental health professionals about the passionate nature of MAGA supporters in protecting children from sex trafficking and the correlation to pathological narcissism. Were their motivations real or a cover for something else?
For context, I applied Andrew Callaghan's This Place Rules documentary that explores the events leading up to the January 6th Insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. Callaghan, the journalist, interviewed prominent QAnon influencer David Todeschini about his pleading guilty to a previous child sexual abuse conviction.
Todeschini claimed the conviction was "false," instead deflecting attention toward politician Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, and celebrities like Jonah Hill. Callaghan then asked Todeschini about the prospect of “emotional projection” as a possible means to his support of the QAnon conspiracy theory of politicians and celebrities running an underground child sexual abuse ring — that perhaps Todeschini is emotionally projecting the insecurity of his past pedophilic behavior onto others.
Callaghan’s question compelled Todeschini to walk out of the interview. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Avigail Lev explained to me why Todeschini may have reacted as he did (please note, I’ve edited Lev’s answer below for clarity):
“I have long believed that the focus of the QAnon conspiracy on child sexual abuse is [an emotional] projection and a way to distract from what they are actually doing themselves or fantasizing about doing. Narcissists, pedophiles, and predators tend to project their own feelings, needs, desires, and behaviors onto others.
They often accuse others of what they themselves are guilty of, making their actions predictable if we closely listen to their accusations. The obsession with child sexual abuse and religion in some cases is not coincidental. There is indeed a correlation between narcissistic leaders, cult leaders, and authoritarian figures, and issues like domestic violence, misogyny, power control, hatred of women, and sexual abuse…
We can’t pinpoint the exact origins of all pedophiles, but I do believe that most people who engage in pedophilia usually have narcissistic traits or full-blow NPD [narcissistic personality disorder] and that both disorders are driven by the same mechanisms, meaning not all narcissists are pedophiles, but most pedophiles do have narcissistic traits…
For [pedophiles with these narcissistic traits], pedophilia and other acts of sexual abuse do not necessarily originate from a sexual desire; but rather, it stems from a desire to consume, exploit, dominate, and take advantage of someone who is innocent, helpless, and vulnerable. This desire can provide the perpetrator with a sense of satisfaction, power, and superiority, such as Duper’s delight, from corrupting an innocent person and getting away with it…
Predators often use narcissistic coping strategies to evade responsibility for their crimes. They employ tactics like gaslighting, brainwashing, mind control, grooming, love bombing, and DARVO [Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender strategy] to manipulate and exploit children.”
Do you also recall the uncovering of Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking ring and the dubious events around this? Per Avigail Lev’s expert opinion, I can surmise this was no mere coincidence, considering the environment Donald Trump, a malignant narcissist, created for average Americans in 2016. It’s an accelerant that led to Trump being able to pawn off his “grab ‘em by the pussy” comment and other sexual assault allegations as politically motivated and why 8 out of 10 white evangelicals continued to vote for him anyway.
When confronted about inclusivity and a more progressive theological approach, conservative Church leaders will typically go straight to the writings of Paul from the Christian New Testament.
What most people do not know about the apostle Paul is that he resided in Rome for the majority of his leadership and did not personally know the historical Jesus of Nazareth, whom the Jewish historian Flavius Josephus wrote about when Jesus’ brother James the Just was executed.
Ironically, Paul attempted to take the helm of Jesus of Nazareth’s movement away from Jesus’ brother James in Jerusalem. James was not fond of Paul and his aspirations, but Paul was educated and wealthy while James was a poor Jerusalem Jew who couldn’t read or write.
These two engaged (almost violently) about the future of Jesus of Nazareth’s message, but due to wealth and privilege, Paul could fuel the experiment he had in his mind, not the other way around.
Perhaps it’s time we seriously consider returning to the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth and give Paul a break. -Meghan